I’ll admit it, I am an addict.
The substances have changed but, damn, the behavior remains. I’m definitely the one who has had one potato chip too many, a cigarette to break up a work day, a double shot of espresso (or triple), a celebratory glass of wine for no apparent occasion, recreational medicine for a spiritual illness (you know what I’m talking about) and much more that I can’t think of at the moment probably as a result of those past involvements.
Praise God, I have let most of those habits go and now have a much healthier relationship with food and caffeine. I have given up any recreational drugs indefinitely, have a much better handle on my drinking, and quit smoking cigarettes back in 2017. I can’t stress enough how good it feels to say all these things and know for a fact that I am not lying and am not tempted, actually I detest the idea of going back.
But like I said, I am an addict.
So, what exactly am I addicted to now? Self Development. It’s a real issue. I compare it to food addiction because we must grow to survive, or better yet to thrive, but can endlessly chase the dopamine high coming from these pursuits. Painfully, I see that I have become addicted to consuming and digesting self development, yet averse to the application. Hence why we are all here. I fall into a hamster wheel of investigating and identifying the problem but teeter off when it comes to the solution. Such a glaring sign of unhealed trauma it amazes me.
I felt compelled to write about it because this, by all accounts, seems like an innocent, even admirable addiction. It is not. Yes, the curiosity and drive that comes from searching for these materials, programs, and courses can be a good thing, but the trap of it is believing that you are never done. There is always more to discover, deeper wounds to heal, more journal entries to write, a different detox to try, etc. etc. The perpetual state of becoming as opposed to the acceptance of finally being. That’s not to say that the growth ever stops, or should, but the self-obsessed tracking must dissipate to enjoy all the beauty that once only lived in your daydreams. It is now here, in the present.
Being obsessed with “finally living my purpose” sneakily prevents me from just living. Can you relate? A benefit that has come from the hours of obsession on this topic has been the enlightening truth that there is no such thing as one solitary, triumphant purpose. That is just our feeble minds trying to fit the vastness of God’s creation into a context that we can somehow conquer. When things do not fit into neat little boxes, historically, all hell breaks loose. I believe that we have countless “purposes” or reasons for being here that we will never fully grasp. The obsession of identifying the almighty one is based in pride and comparison. We need to know how we stack up against our neighbors instead of just loving them.
Yes, we have been graced with unique gifts and abilities and yes, it would be a disservice to ignore them. Yet, the pandemic of impatience sadly makes most of us blather on about our hollow achievements and aspirations instead of listening to the Holy Spirit’s guidance for how we can use our interests to best serve. For me, I sought out, constantly, the next mountain to climb solely based on the merit it had for the movie of my life that no one has ever, will ever, or should ever buy a ticket to. Self development, if not monitored, can replace God in our life and become another false idol. The worship of our future self once we make the money, lose the weight, or start the business oftentimes holds such gravity that we will wrap our whole identity around the achievement of that goal.
Let me be clear, wanting to improve from yesterday and finding excitement in tomorrow is not a bad thing. Ignoring today is. Again, that’s why I made the earlier comparison of self development to food. The right amount nourishes the body, provides energy, inspires creativity, and fosters connection to others. All great things. Yet, in excess it can make one uneasy, dissatisfied, stuck, and depressed. Mindful consumption seems to be the key. Appreciating that you have consumed enough to act upon, and then acting is the objective.
The hesitance to apply the lessons is where we find the rub. It’s certainly where I found the resistance. If I actually apply what I have learned, that means there are no more excuses. It means I will actually change, that I could actually be happy. It means things will be different. That’s terrifying. No matter how you slice it, your new life is going to cost you your old one. The part that much of self development leaves out when it comes to this is the grief of it all. You must die to yourself. It’s intense and undoubtedly changes our perspective on the world around us. If we think about the 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, we can better understand why we, or I, have faced such a challenge in the application of truths found within self development teachings.
I learned that our minds are wired to keep us comfortable, not make us happy. Reread that sentence. A debate may be that comfortable is the same as happy, as if one cannot exist without the other. This is wrong. I do not have to search for long in my own life to find examples. It is much more comfortable to gossip, find fault, over eat, stay inside, self-loath, and procrastinate than it is to uplift, compliment, moderate, seek others, understand, and take action. To know that we are inclined to reach for convenience because it’s marketed as happiness is the trap that I have fallen into more times than I’d like to admit. Continuing to reach for what we know keeps the promises of God at arm’s length. The desire to be comfortable is fueled by fear of failure. We must face the fact that we have to be “the new kid” in our coveted life. One cannot surpass day one and get to day 20. Those feelings of unfamiliarity, imperfection, and humiliation are what keep us in that first stage of grief; denial. Our pride denies that we must move through those initial feelings to reach who we are meant to be. Yet, every truly wise man reached their wisdom first with foolish steps.
To acknowledge the severing of our past self means we can only move forward. In other words, feel the fear and do it anyway. This is where courage and confidence is born. A promise I made to myself is that I cannot consume more teachings until I earnestly integrate what I have already learned. Retain and not retrieve. Writing this now is one of the results of my promises I had for years that fell victim to the procrastination of perfection. That first stage, denial, is such a challenging one to overcome. No one wants to look foolish or incompetent, yet I am convinced it is the only way to truly know. That childlike, beginner’s mind is where I am now and it is exhilarating. Only now do I see the waste of time the quest for perfection brings. The paradox is that imperfection is perfection. There is no need to fear failure because it’s a guarantee, but it’s not guaranteed forever. I have abandoned the self-obsession that peppers self development. Leaving the hamster wheel to finally get somewhere. Real self development, real growth, inevitably moves you in every sense of the word.
The best part is that I don’t have to think so much about thinking so much! All that is required of me is to live each moment vividly and gratefully. Resting on the work that has been done. The application of all of what I have learned, oddly, is not as stress-inducing or sweat producing as I built it in my head. As I allow and trust, I find it may be one of the most radical ways of living. Anxiety is rampant and discussed as an inevitability in most circles, but I am here to tell you it does not have to be. Seek answers, but know you will never know them all, it’s not your job! Let yesterday fade, today be enjoyed, and tomorrow worry about itself.