Insight into how it feels to be on the hunt for a job
Educated, experienced, team player, organized, creative, can walk on water, knows how to talk to animals and has the solution to solve war in the middle east.
We prefer a candidate that provides copious answers but asks no questions and blindly trusts our authority while gracefully letting their supervisors take credit for all of their ideas. When we say “team” we mean to get in line. Respectfully, of course. We want our employees to grow and flourish as long as it doesn’t span outside of their cubicle walls.
We believe in work-life balance and support our employees by giving them enough work so it becomes their life which easily eliminates that problem.
There is a 90 day probationary period without benefits to make sure that the employee is reminded of hierarchy and knows that they must abide by our judgment of their living needs opposed to doing something as foolish as listening to their own intuition.
We are looking for someone who is passionate about our mission. The ideal candidate will completely abandon their previous sense of self in order to best serve our organization.
This entry-level position will require a PHD, 15 years experience, trilingualism, appointed saint-hood, and a local driver’s license.
To apply, please send your resume and cover letter, 17 references, birth certificate, a vial of blood, and a recent color photo. Also, please send your answer to the following question:
“What is the meaning of life?”
Please note: after you submit your application there is no guarantee that we will confirm receiving it or contact you in any way so you must be understanding that all of your unpaid work in proving yourself to a new group of strangers could be completely in vain.
Make sure you never let your depression or anxiety show since hopelessness and discouragement are unattractive and we are looking for team players with a positive attitude. We advocate for mental health and encourage our team to cry on their days off.
Remember, we are interested in YOU and YOUR unique personality! (but only the version that serves us so please cater your authenticity to our needs)
Thank you,
The Job Search
